Lingering Thoughts of You

For days now, I've been moving through the house in a sort of haze, memory and fantasy melding into one as I think of you. You have no idea how many times I started a letter to you only to stop as the memories got too strong. As silly as it sounds, I miss you every day. I get moments where I just wish our weekends together would never end, whether it means continually losing on the Xbox or curled against your chest while we watch movies. I miss your scent, I miss the feel of your body next to mine, I miss the sound of your voice and listening to your heartbeat, thudding faithfully next to my ear.

"Not a day goes by where I don't think of you, when I don't relive a memory. I talk about you constantly, your praises on the tip of my tongue. Some say I'm in love, that you're the one for me and to never let you go. I respond to this simply that yes, I love you with all my heart and that a future without you is no future at all. "

When I started to miss you more, the strangest thing happens. One of my friends, this particular friend surprising me with this, told me that it was normal but to me it is completely out of the ordinary. I told you of a few things I would do. I ate ramen because I was hungry and I was thinking of when we laughed at how there wasn't anything in the house, it seemed, except ramen. Well I had ramen again today. Twice in one week, and I really am not fond of the stuff. I even made it sort of like a soup like the way you did.

"Before I met you, love was a fleeting thing that blinded me, bound me, and made me an unwilling partner in its games. It would start out gentle and kind before twisting the knife, turning like and love into displeasure and hate. Love was just a villain that changed its mind as easily as the Fates. "

I started watching Star Trek, even though I'm not a Trekkie at all. I vaguely knew the characters because my mother liked them but I suddenly had a memory of the Star Trek figurines on your tv cabinet and I wanted to watch Star Trek. When you got home, you laughed at me, then told me some of the better episodes to watch and I just wished you were there to experience them with me - or, rather, I with you.

"Love was nameless, love was faceless - I couldn't clearly see a future containing the love of another. No wedding bells for me, no walk down the aisle with family and friends in attendance. No children in my arms, to teach, to laugh, to love, and to smile with. All I saw was an empty space beside me and a lonely life ahead of me."

So here it is, nearly Saturday again and I can't wait to see you. I can't wait for my eyes to linger, my fingers to touch your arm, my lips to touch yours. I can't wait to hear your say 'Hello beautiful' or 'Hello dearest' in only the way you do, can't wait to see your smile and hear your laugh. You just bade me goodnight but it seems as if sleep cannot come fast enough, the night cannot change unto light fast enough for my lonely heart. I am as I ever was, and ever will be, yours.

"And then I met you and I think my heart knew, whether my head accepted it or not, that we were going to be together. For a while, I thought love was just taking me on another wild ride, that you would fade into the background just as quickly as you appeared. It never ceases to amaze me, from day to day, what it feels like to be loved. What it is to trust and be trusted, to be devoted to another person completely. In a world mostly given to the shadows of mistrust, paranoia and lies, I stand with these few and precious jewels that you've given me. Devotion, honor, trust, and love. Perhaps someday I'll be able to thank you properly for all of this."