Inner Turmoil

Tears. They can cleanse your heart, cleanse your soul, cleanse your mind. They can unleash emotions that you had rather kept to yourself. They can make a bond stronger or they can break it. They can mend bridges or just add to the river divide. All in all, they can be very therapeutic. Now, I charge you to come across a woman who enjoys crying. Sure, we enjoying crying a little at the end of a particularly moving movie or book, but to actually burst into tears? Unless they're of joy or of laughter, tears are pretty rotten.

I especially have no love for tears. One, because I used to cry, often. Two, because I think it shows weakness. And three, because I'm just one of the guys.When I was a kid, if a teacher pulled me aside for a chat and I was even remotely in the red, I burst into tears. Defense mechanism but when I came back into the class, my face was red, my eyes red rimmed, my lashes sticking together - I'm not one of those girls you can cry prettily unless it's over a movie or something. Tears are good for one thing when you're a girl though - they help you get out of so much trouble.

I also cry when every I'm particularly emotional or involved over a subject. If I'm talking about my boyfriend, no, I'm not about to burst into tears, but if I'm arguing? Oh yes, the tears show. The voice gets choked, the ears start to burn, the nose starts to feel stuffy, the face starts to flush and it's all over folks. The water works start and once they start, it's never easy to take deep breaths to get them under control. Digging my nails into my palm helps a little, pinching my nose sometimes works, but nothing in the world makes it easy for me to stop crying in an emotionally charged situation. Sure, at my sister's wedding, my eyes misted for a moment but that's purely because my sister was crying and I have this annoying habit of crying with those I love.

Now why do I bring this up you ask? Ladies, if you've been following this blog at all, I'm sure you understand. Guys, well, I'll put it to you bluntly. I'm about to leave for college and I'm scared out of my mind. I'm from a close knit inner family (aka my mother, my father, myself, and my dog), I'm used to having someone to talk to when things go wrong, someone to bail me out, someone to borrow money from, get a recommendation from, share things with when we're in the car on the way to somewhere - a well functioning inner family. Dad's in charge and when dad isn't in charge, mom's in charge and when she isn't in charge, I'm usually home alone with the dog.

But yeah, I'm terrified. I'll also be leaving my boyfriend of three months, as of today. Our anniversary is the 18th of May, which is the date we both agreed on as the day we 'officially' became a couple. I feel so high school drama talking about it but I don't know quite how else to phrase it. We were something from the start, we were just more so after a certain point, that point being the day we went to Ren Faire and I didn't correct the veterans when they called the 'red coat' my boyfriend. We had been dating for nearly a month before that, so it seemed rather accurate. Later, I apologized because back then I still wasn't sure if he really wanted this, but he first asked why was I apologizing, then after that we discussed it and said yeah, so what, we're a couple.

Over the summer, it's become serious. Not life or death, still high school drama, 'oh-my-god, how-will-I-ever-live-without-you, if-you-died-I-would-die'. Nothing quite so high strung. Just an honest, mature relationship that knocks me off my feet every time I think about it, makes grown women go awwww and 'why doesn't my boyfriend/husband do that', and my friends have higher aspirations for themselves.

Still, this bedroom feels so sterile and I'm not even done packing all of my clothes and the extra things we bought over the weekend and my care package. I mean, it has my flair everywhere but I feel so detached from it. It's still my sanctuary, sure, but I mean it's different - and I don't like that feeling. I want when someone walks in to use my room as a guest room to feel like they're trespassing a little because while I'm still unmarried, unemployed (I won't be working through college), and in college, this room is mine, every single holiday, every single break unless something else comes up. I'm just so frustrated with this 'What will I take up the first trip, what will mom and dad bring up the next trip, will I need this, will I lose this, will this be worth the effort of taking or should I just buy it when I get there'.

Just... so much stress and it builds so quickly and it's over whelming. Just like the tears. I leave on Thursday, so I have two days home. What is home anyways?