Grey Clouds Across the Horizon

Stray trembles course through my bones, my muscles, as I sit here at my desk with thoughts of the week before, with this week, and of this weekend running through my head. All I can think is that I'm tired. Emotionally, physically... I'm just tired. I'm tired of being away from my family, from my friends, from my love. I'm tired of not being able to sleep in my own bed, I'm tired of not being able to see the walls that I painted with my parents, the clouds I painted with my mom. I'm tired of having to share a room with someone who isn't family and who isn't of my choosing.

I'm tired of not being around people who understand me. They don't know how to deal with me when I'm angry and I don't want to talk about it, I just want to cool off, they don't know how to deal with me when I'm acting like a little kid, just excited about anything and everything. They aren't sure how to read my looks or my movements, they aren't sure what I mean by what I say at times, they can't figure me out. For some, it'll probably take years, a lot of them will never be able to figure it out. A few, a very small few will be able to learn and they'll be few, far between, and very dear to me.

I'm tired of having to handle things by myself. Yes, I know, I have people I can ask help from, advice from, but it just scares me , it does, to know that I'm here stranded. I don't mind doing things like my appointments or my prescriptions, but I can't come home and plop the book down in front of mom and dad and say explain this to me another way. I have arms to hold me, but they aren't arms of people that I know well, they aren't arms of the people I love, they're pleasant strangers. When I'm sad and crying, when I'm angry and pissed of, when I'm just being me or sarcastic or silly - they can't deal with it. I just wish I could go home, but I refuse to fail, I refuse to go home from this place defeated. That's why I keep saying that I'll wait a year.

Oh I'm so tired. So very tired. I haven't been able to sleep well and when I have been able to sleep, it's been short naps. I wake up easily during the night, with sounds from the hallway (people coming in the door, people leaving rooms, people entering rooms, people talking on their cell phones, people walking in groups down the hall - I can hear everything). I think I wake when my roommate rolls over, when my refrigerator turns on and hums for a while. I wish I could just knacker myself out so that I can finally get some sleep, but every time I think I've gotten to that point, I found myself awake in the middle of the night and I wish I could find something to help me.

It isn't all doom and gloom, mind you, it really isn't, but sometimes I get to the point where I'm just heart broken. I miss my friends that understood me, that knew me, that loved me for who I am with all of my little quirks. Here I'm just like everyone's little sister, they look out for me but... I miss my family, I miss my grandmother especially even though my grandmother's sickness at times did depress me. I miss my dog, and I even miss that hateful, mean African Grey parrot that's been around since before I was born. Ye gods, I hope he doesn't last until after I'm dead and gone, that would just be too much... Devil incarnated...

I miss the places I used to frequent, even school. I miss the used bookshop in Hillsboro Village (Bookman & Bookwoman), I miss walking up and down the Village, catching shuttles to places around West End and 21st Avenue, I miss walking around Vanderbilt hospital (both the general and the Children's) and the Vanderbilt campus. Since moving up here back in 2000, with my mom working at Vanderbilt since then, I have become very attached to the place, extremely well versed in places where it's safe to cross, places it's better not going, the best food, the best buys... Everything. That was my stomping ground and I loved it so very much. Although I'm versed vaguely where things are here, it is by far no where near what it was like there.

Sure, some say that the longer I'm here, the more comfortable I'll become, but I miss Nashville. I miss the people, the life there, the prosperity. For being Johnson City, it feels very small. I'm tired of having nothing to do, of not being able get my fix of my favorite sights such as the Parthenon, the Belle Meade Mansion, the houses that were built over by the parks that looked like mini-mansions and mini-castles. I miss every road we went down that was familiar to me and I'm tired of feeling so lost. I feel like my compass is broken, I don't know what direction I want to take anymore. I'm just exhausted. There are so many things, so many many things and I'm not sure where to stop, where they stop, so I guess I'll just stop here and try and at least not be tired in the morning. And that reminds me, it's Friday, I can sleep in and now I can turn off the alarm. Huzzah! A small silver lining.