Laundry Room Day Dreams

There's something about having to stay in a warm room with the thrum of washers and dryers running that just lull me into a sense of semi-stupor. The sound of the computer and the sound of a motor running (as in a car motor) have the same effect on me but for now, let's stick to the laundry room because I did laundry today.

It's the thoughts that occur during this time of relaxation when it's just me and the machines that really get me though. From my position curled up on top of the eighth washer, which had my clothes in it, I had a clear view of both the doors that lead into the laundry room so no one was going to sneak up on me. But being on top of the washer and next to a running dryer just made my eyelids start to droop so I rested my head against the wall, my ears intent on any sound of the door opening. I opened my eyes several times because my paranoia got the better of me and a noise I'd hear from the machines would sound like the click of the door opening. But it's those few moments where I actually was able to doze in relative peace that had strange images and thoughts filtering through my head. Perhaps it was partly from the heat... I know not.

But the thoughts I had made me think, why am I here? Why am I doing this? Questions he'd asked me before seemed more lethal in this setting of a college dorm laundry room. Why exactly was I here, in this dorm, on this campus? Was it because I wanted to escape family? Perhaps my family was pressuring me to choose to go somewhere, anywhere, as long as it was college? Did I really choose this path? And if I did, what was I thinking? Why did I decide to stray so far from home, why did I leave those who love me behind and decide to go so far away that they couldn't possibly get to me if there were an emergency? What the hell was I thinking when I did all of this? I still don't have the answers for it.

All I know is that I miss my home. Not necessarily the life that I had over the summer, I would offer some drastic changes for when I returned home for good, but I miss my home and I miss the people that I know and those who I was just beginning to know. I forsake one happiness for something that I thought had to be experienced before my life was complete and now I know it isn't the education you get. It isn't the job you receive, the pay you earn, it isn't even the food that you consume that bring you the greatest joys in life. What brings you the greatest joy that you will ever know is another person or a group of people, like family whether they're the family of friends that you chose or the family you were born into.

I feel like a mistake has been made but I know had I not experienced this, I would have gone through life wondering if my not going was a mistake or not. Now I know. Some are going, oh, she's going to give up now. Hardly. I will finish this year at this university and then, depending on what all happens this year, I may transfer home or I may stay and rent an apartment. Either way, things will change drastically from what they are now and I look forward to that day. And any break my love can get to come visit me. But I'll stay off that subject for fear of being too emotional or something silly.

But my laundry finished and all was well in the end. I'm still here and I will remain here. And no matter what my choice, I know at least one person who will always support me, just like he always has. And I couldn't be any more grateful to him for all that he has been and all that he has done for me. My dearest love, my life, my shining star in this bleak immature existence known as college. Whatever happened to the scholars?