Stray Thoughts On A Word

Please - six letters, three of them vowels, three of them consonants. A one syllable word that is either used in polite conversation or used to mean pleasing or pleasurable. Generally, when I use please, I'm either answering a question of whether I'd like to do something or have something or I'm asking someone to do something for me. Most of the time, my please has a meaning but occasionally I just want to look at someone as say please. Please what? they may ask me but you know what? Sometimes I just don't know. I don't know if I'm pleading for my future, forgiveness for my past, or requesting permission for the present. I don't know if I'm asking for someone to listen to me, someone to hold me, someone to just treat me like a human being - I honestly don't know, there are so many options for that open-ended 'please'.

Perhaps I'm asking for forgiveness for being so far from home, perhaps I'm begging for him to take me in his arms when next I see him and every time after, perhaps I regret the choices I've made up to this point concerning college. Perhaps I regret cheating us of our time together, perhaps I'm sorry for leaving the house when my grandmother is so sick and I feel the guilt of not being there for her. I'm sorry for not being a better person but I hope to change that. I hope to make those who supported me proud, those who thought I couldn't succeed ashamed, and I hope to show those who helped me along the way that I was actually worth the effort. Mayhaps it was a plea for a better life, a happier one, one where I can earn my way instead of relying so heavily on others. I can make my own path in this world, I know I can - maybe it was plea to not have to walk it alone. I don't know what I have to ask for, have to say I'm sorry for, or have to thank for except everything and nothing. Maybe that's the point.

At any rate, I've begun to tremble. Perhaps I should go to sleep. Yes, this is über short for me but if I start typing any more, I will sound like the love sick fool that I've already portrayed myself to be, so I'll cease. Until tomorrow, twitter twitter.