Silent Distance

When I picture the distance in my head, all I see is navy blue, stretching as far as I can see, and I can see quite a bit. It's almost as if spotlight it just all around me, not from a certain point but everywhere and although I know I'm standing, I know it isn't ground beneath me. The light around me is a neon blue and just as bright and shining.

You know the legend of a red string tied from your finger to the finger of the one you're meant to be with? Your true love? Well here in my head, it's that seem neon blue and it isn't a string, or even a ribbon - it's an entire road leading back to him. The road isn't easy, with twists and turns and tricks but it can be conquered. I just don't have a way to conquer it and the path leads out of sight. At times it's hard to picture him.

But Friday he came to visit, finally, after not having been with him for a month. I was finally able to touch what had become little more than fantasy, a fantastic dream. It was like a ghost turned into flesh and bone, all those phantom touches felt again and memory replaced by reality. It was so good to have him in my arms again, so very good and my arms have felt empty ever since. Everything has felt empty and hollow ever since. He is the one that completes me, my other half, my soulmate. He and I gave each other our hearts freely and I would never do anything to jeopardize my happiness with him.

So while he was here, why did I cry so much? Why did I lay there with my eyes open, trembling, tears falling from my eyes? I was wasting precious time with him but that's all it was - precious time. Stolen moments because he had to return to work and I had to return to college. He was going to leave the next day and I was only going to have these few short hours with him. Needless to say, I didn't sleep well that night, even for all of my silent tears. Tears that should have waited until he left.

I cried even then, in the sunlight as we stood in my room and his cousin, that drove up with him who is on leave from the Army, stood outside respectfully, giving us time. I had my arms around his waist and I begged him to take me with him as he wiped away my tears, held me tightly in his arms, kissed me over and over again as he said no. As he reminded me of what my parents would think. Of what would happen if I quit college now, in the fifth week of college. And he stood there with tears in his eyes even though he didn't cry, because he hated that he was the one to upset me.

I can stand the 'good-bye for now' but I could never stand a final 'good-bye' from him. I can let him go although it hurts and for a few days after I've been depressed a little because in the end I know one day we won't have to say good-bye unless it's for us to go to work, when we're married, and then it won't be sad. It'll just be an 'until later'. So yes, I can stand this little pain because in the end, I'll have the greater happiness that awaits us.

Perhaps I'm being foolish, but I can't even imagine what will happen when I go home for fall break in a few weeks.